WTH:ICDT

Gave myself a bit of a break there, in case you didn't notice. Though sticktoitiveness is something I'm working on, I decided that writing a blog for a small (toddler-sized?) handful of people wasn't a priority if I'm honest. I started this to remind myself of all the things that make me happy, to bring back a little zest for life that was lost to job-related burn out, and as my wedding approached and my days got fuller and my family arrived, I found I briefly did not need that reminder and preferred to spend my days doing the things instead of processing the things.

Now that I'm married though (just look at that extra bling there!) and the dust is settling, I find Feelings emerging that I was able to keep at bay throughout all the hubbub. This also probably has something to do with me starting work tomorrow after a 2 month hiatus, the longest time I wasn't workin' for The Man consecutively since I was 16 (I'm not counting the time in college when I didn't have a formal job because I had curriculum-required volunteer work so not only was The Man still tellin' me what to do, but I was doing it for free while a broke college student, which is worse).  

If you recall (I don't feel like providing a link, just nod like you know what I'm talking about), I started a job at an elementary school at the end of last November as a Special Education Aide- basically helping a special education student get through their day. It was a strange year and now I'm onto a new, still strange year. More mask wearing (which I will gladly do for the safety of everyone but it still sucks), a different teacher, and though I will be with the same child, unfortunately his medical condition worsened over the summer so it feels like I'm starting a whole new job, but one I'm expected to already be good at. 

This has led me to have a lot of Big Thoughts concerning my career path and ideas about jobs which I don't want to unpack right now (turns out, that's a very large suitcase) but want to in the future and I like this platform for doing so. I've always had a hard time articulating my feelings out loud, but writing them down orders my thoughts (somewhat), and shouting into the void of the internet makes me feel like I'm doing it for a reason (somehow), even though processing my emotions instead if just stewing the shit out of them is a fantastic reason to do it all on its own.

Here, we will take brief a break to check out what it looks like when you order 75 yellow roses over the internet. I did this because florists are expensive, especially when you say the word "wedding," and despite some pretty aggressive apathy, I also have an extremely strong "What The Hell, I Can Do That" (WTH:ICDT for short) conviction that led me to order those beauties and a shit-ton of random greenery which my entire wedding party (special shout out to my Matron of Honor Extraordinaire though) and I arranged into bouquets, corsages/boutonnieres, and table centerpieces. Much to the surprise of us all, we were extremely successful and no one could believe it totaled only about $200. It's not enough for me to do it, I must do it at a shockingly low price, that's where the biggest serotonin hit lives.

I mention all this because funnily enough, though that WTH:ICDT feeling is the only thing that keeps my head above water during my most depressed times, it also provides me with most of the inner conflict which I use this blog to directly or indirectly sort through. There's an Ashley that has this totally unfounded confidence that she can take on whatever and there's an Ashley that asks the first Ashley for a piggy-back ride only to whisper "yeah but can you though? When? Whyyyy?" in her ear constantly. I may look like I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting on my couch watching-but-not-watching TV while scrolling though my phone but what I'm really doing is that plus having an argument with myself where I list all of the projects I'd like to tackle but then counter with "yeah but I can't start now because [insert excuse here]" until I get sad and also probably mad.

I know, I know, not a really unique issue here, but I point it out as a further reason for my shouting into the void and all that, which doesn't exactly deviate from my original intended purpose with the blog, but expands it or specifies it, I dunno. I suppose I'm describing basic anxiety but I'm getting it out there anyway because part of my problem (I've lost count of how many facets this particular diamond has) is feeling bad for having a problem because in the grand scheme of things, it isn't really a problem. Like, I have all my basic needs met and despite getting bummed and anxious a lot, my home is clean, my bills are paid, and my relationships are healthy. But fuck it, lets talk about it anyway because I'm entitled to my feelings, whatever they are. I can only deal with them if I acknowledge them without apology.

Source. In other news, this summer I've also become obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race.

It sounds like I really got carried away in an anxiety ramble here- and I'm not saying I didn't per se- but I felt the need to take a stab at clarifying why I'm here for my own sake, now that I'm on the brink of another chapter in my life with a slightly different outlook, or one that I can feel evolving anyway, since I've had a whole summer to simmer on it. I know I bounce around and change my mind a lot but I feel good about getting things out there because even though it doesn't always happen, it feels more likely that these things will manifest themselves somehow if I dare to say them out loud.

So here we are, finishing up a summer of doing things and making things and discovering things and celebrating things... as uneasy as I feel, I think I'm walking into all this semi-newness with a little more willingness to shake things up than I have in the past and I'm not mad about it. 

Lets see how far I can ride this wave.

Happy (?) Crafting

Hellllooooo! We've been hit with a barrage of unseasonable cool temperatures accompanied by lots and lots of rain so that means I've gotten myself in a grumpy mood where I spend a lot of time and effort criticizing myself for not using all my free time adequately and wasting my summer off, basically beating myself up for not having fun but also not getting a whole lot done. 

Awesome, right?

Weather really affects me apparently because this rain is driving me BANANAS. We've gone past the state of "perfect time for cozy indoor activities that I love" and right on into "existential crisis after being confronted with too many of my own Thoughts" territory. I've waylaid this tidal wave of Grumps as much as possible by sneaking out for the occasional walk in between showers and throwing myself into wedding-related crafting to keep myself feeling vaguely productive at the very least. And, as an additional help with keeping the Thoughts at bay, I've gotten into a number of craft-related YouTube channels (as mentioned in my last post) that I will now share with YOU.

Did you think this was the direction the post was going? Probably yes since I'm sure you can already see the rest of this post but I like to think that I kept you on your toes a bit with that intro. Now, without further ado...

Studson Studio - Studson here makes a lot of miniatures, dioramas, and models based on pop culture and video games which already sounds cool but he presents these awesome creations in a well done and always hilarious way- I believe he has a background in video production somehow so you're getting a quality video that will make you laugh out loud. Plus, his fast and loose approach to measuring and prep-work as well as his use of found/inexpensive materials in his builds really speaks to me.

Bill Making Stuff - This English dude makes weird, like, post apocalyptical-type robots and spaceships and things out of straight up trash and I absolutely love it. The style of his creations is super interesting and cohesive (everything he builds belongs to the same "world" if that makes sense) and I appreciate the hypothetically low cost of making those things- crafts that require a high dollar buy-in to start bother me. He has a background in video production so his videos are super high quality as well. As a bonus, he has a dry humor I enjoy and he also does livestreams which are great to throw on as a background to my own crafting. 

North of the Border -  This dude also makes models and dioramas and things based on games and pop culture... see a bit of a theme here? He's like, a next level model maker though, using more pro materials and less trash but he's an excellent sculptor and his discussions of his sculpting technique have helped me a lot in my recent crafts. Basically, he's the model maker I want to be when I grow up. As a bonus, he has that Canadian accent I feel like everyone from the US assumes every single Canadian has but probably doesn't and I very much enjoy that.

Nerdforge - Nerdforge takes on all sorts of crafty projects, ranging from dragon mural painting, to full cosplay suits of armor construction, to tome book binding. Lots of their creations are out of my league and make use of tools I don't have access to but the builds are amazing and it's super enjoyable to watch. Its run by a couple of young people from Norway which makes me feel old, as you can tell from the fact that I called them "young people" but I would recommend the channel anyway. 

Black Magic Craft - This dude focuses mainly on making models and terrain for Dungeons and Dragons and similar table top games and even though that isn't my thing (making snap decisions while being "in character" in front of people, whether they're my friends or not, fills me with anxiety just thinking about it), this channel is filled with a lot of great resources for someone just starting out trying to build models or dioramas or something. I've already referred to his channel several times in the course of making my nerdy wedding centerpieces and have always come away with more confidence in whatever I'm about to attempt. 

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So that's it! There's a few others I've been checking out but I figured I'd limit it to my top 5 most watched so as not to overburden you. I'm always on the hunt for more recommendations though so feel free to share your own favorites if you've got them. I'm making an effort to curb mindless spending which means being trapped in my house more since we live in a society that expect you to spend money just for the privilege of taking up space in the world (yikes, deep breath Ashley) so these videos as well as the subsequent trips to the craft store they elicit (because that's spending with purpose) have been basically saving me. 

As soon as the sun comes out and stays out, I'm off to the beach. But in the meantime, happy crafting all!

School's Out

 Ah, here we are, yet another month has passed me by. But hey, I'm not going to worry about it. I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you- why should I? Who am I doing this but for me? And me was overwhelmed for a while, ok?

See what I did there? A little different tactic. Less apologies, more assertiveness. No long winded excuses. I must be feeling good! It must be..

~~~SUMMER BREAK!!!~~~

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So hey, yeah, I'm on vacation and feeling marginally better than I was a week or two ago (see angst here), though not as good as I thought I would to be honest. When I finally left school that last day I thought I would be filled with elation. Not since I was 16 have I had this much time off of work. Surely I should be ecstatic! 

Alas, that is apparently not how my brain works and instead of bliss, I was hit with a tidal wave of guilt and panic. I just felt... weird about it. Luckily, I have a friend who also works in a school I can vent to because this is the sort of thing you feel like a complete asshole complaining to any other working stiff about. I don't feel bad about having an issue with this but I'm acutely aware that there are far worse problems to have.

I've spent some time reflecting on it (because what better way to get out of a brain funk than to take a deep dive into all the stuff that could possibly be upsetting you) and I think I was just more burnt out from my job at the psych hospital than I realized. The sluggishness and apathy I've felt have been annoying and troubling to me but while working full time, it's easy to attribute some of that to being tired and preoccupied from working. I'm realizing now that it goes a little deeper than that.

There are lots of things I'd love to do with all my free time this summer but I've spent most of my time so far in something of a daze. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and tidying. I did a puzzle in record time. Basically, I just can't sit still and commit to something. 

At the very least, despite all the introspection and inability to figure out how to spend my time, like I said at the start of this post, I'm still feeling pretty good overall so it's my hope that the fog will clear and I'll get into something soon. In the meantime, I'm attempting- when I can pause my aimless wanderings long enough- to fill up on inspiration as much as possible so when I'm finally in the mood, I'll be bursting with possibilities. 

What do I do when I'm taking a break from having to do things but don't want to not do anything for the entire summer you ask? List time!

• Walk. Obviously exercise makes you feel better so I've been trying to go out for a walk everyday. It's been HOT here though (but not quite as hot as the pacific northwest- ugh, sorry guys!), so I haven't been great at that but today I did make it out. I foolishly failed to bring water so I arrived back at my apartment feeling a little woozy and dripping in sweat with a tomato-red face. Allow me to hit you with some TMI -  I then stripped off my clothes and stood naked while drinking water in my bathroom, waiting for my shower to get to the right temperature. Glamorous.
• Wow, I really hate being hot.

• Listen to podcasts- I've mentioned that I listen to podcasts before and I pretty much listen to the same ones on that list still but instead of listening on my way to work, I've been listening on my walks or while sitting on my porch, possibly cross stitching. My latest favorite and new addition is Levar Burton Reads where my man Levar Burton reads then reflects on a short story. It's FANTASTIC. He's a great reader (which I already knew from my Reading Rainbow days) and they add just enough sound effects to make the storytelling even more immersive without going overboard. Plus, his brief discussion of the story at the end is always interesting and insightful. Today I listened to him read "Vaccine Season" by Hannu Rajaniemi and it was amazing.

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• Read. My book numbers are going to be horrible this year but I already have a couple more to add to the list!

• Watch crafty YouTube. I haven't really been a huge YouTube watcher but recently I stumbled across a number of crafty channels and I can stop watching them. They make me want to try so many new crafty things!!! Most of them deal with model building but I'm working on putting a list of suggestions together, so stay tuned if you think that might be your thing.

• Continue working on stitching projects in progress. Sure, they're not new and exciting, but I feel good working on something and that just clears out more space for NEW projects.

• Video games. I'm toggling between Animal Crossing and Quest For Glory: So You Want To Be A Hero, an adventure game from 1989 (though I'm playing the 1992 VGA version) at M's suggestion as the Quest For Glory series of games were his favorite growing up.

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That's basically it to be honest. Throw in a sprinkling of wedding planning related activities and hanging out with friends Friday and Saturday and you've pretty much got my first week down. I think I might tackle organizing my Craft Horde because that always makes me want to make a complete mess of it again by starting like 5 projects at once but we'll see. 

I'm going to sign off for now, but first I'm going to leave you with the song you KNOW I have to include in this post, it's 100% required.

PS:

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Man, lots of gifs today, huh?

I Read: The League of Frightened Men

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Aaaaas hinted recently, I managed to finish a book in my absence though my reading, like basically all my activities, has stalled out just a little. Nevertheless, I couldn't fully abandon my last read as it was yet another amazing Nero Wolfe mystery.

If you aren't familiar with Rex Stout, you can read my post based on the first Rex Stout book I read which I have conveniently link to above; alternatively, you can click on the Nero Wolfe wiki link I also conveniently linked to for you. Either way, The League of Frightened Men starts with that same amazing cast of characters in that same orchid-filled New York brownstone.  

Wolfe and Archie meet a murder mystery writer, Paul Chapin, who has set a group of men on edge after announcing that he has committed a murder (but offering no further information) after two of this group had recently died amidst mysterious circumstances. This group, The League of Frightened Men, appeal to Wolfe to successfully tie Chapin to these murders so that they can no longer fear for their lives. 

They had cause to suspect revenge from Mr. Chapin following an accident years earlier while they were all attending Harvard. In a sort of hazing ritual, they forced Paul Chapin out on a window ledge to open the window of a room that was locked but he fell, injuring his leg and causing him to walk with a severe limp the rest of his life. While they attempted to atone for the accident, Chapin continued to carry a massive chip on his shoulder and, even as years pass, will not let these men forget the terrible thing they did, ultimately culminating in the events that transpire over the course of the book.

This is an excellently twisty turny plot of a book, weaving many different lives into an interesting psychological study of guilt and pity and how one event in your youth can affect your whole life. As a warning, I will say that it as a lot of ableist language, often describing Chapin as a "cripple" and various other negative terms focusing on his disability. Despite that, I find the plot very engaging and surprising and I'd highly recommend it.

Next up, I've started another nonfiction book because after every nonfiction book I read, I eventually forget that I have a hard time getting into nonfiction books and then I stumble across one I find extra interesting and the cycle starts again. It seems it was a quick turnaround this time.

Star rating: 4.3/5

2021 Book Count: 7

No Excuses, Only Comics

It's been a month but I don't have any excuses, only comics.

Yup, that same ol' story. So much to do, I don't want to do anything. But swiftly coming up is the end of the school year and, then, my wedding. 

Exciting things though right?! The school year is wrapping up (a mere 4 weeks left) and I've made the decision to take the summer off. Though I have saved the money necessary to do this and of course I'm looking forward to it, it also fills me with anxiety. What if [dramatic pause] Something Happens that drains my savings? And like I said, there's that whole getting married thing I'm doing in August which I want to make all sorts of things for, aside from the normal prep work.

Long story short, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and that usually means I shut down. And nowadays, that specifically means I play a lot of Animal Crossing. Its a good de-stressor but it certainly doesn't make me feel like I accomplished anything productive. While I do need to keep myself on track, one of the big things I'm working on is not beating myself up for taking little downtime. Sure, don't let it get out of hand, but as long as I'm getting my basic things done when I need to get them done, who says I can't sit on the porch with my Switch for a while?

The following photo is from when Lucy looked into my soul and told me something I hadn't realized about myself:

Girl YES I know what you mean.

I haven't been entirely stagnant though, I promise. Projects are sloooowly but surly coming along, including this one, another set of cross stitches based on Asimov's Laws of Robotics,  AND I've been working on a way to mingle my jewelry making and cross stitch hobbies. Like I said though, slow going. Same with reading though I recently finished another Rex Stout mystery which I plan on sharing soon.

Anyway,  I hope to get back on track and out of this low energy slump I'm in. Only time will tell but I'll keep thinking about it...

I love Poorly Drawn Lines, check it out.

Progress

A while ago, I mentioned that I was starting a new project. I'm happy to report that I didn't just say I wanted to start a new project but I did, in fact, start it. If you recall, the pattern is essentially nine tile-like squares with  coordinating designs. For this post, I decided to take a picture after I finished each color thread. 

All outlines are done in this shade of green, which I am not mad about because I love green. I think this is one of the colors I had to substitute to because I didn't have the specific color the pattern called for. This one seems a bit brighter though so I think I prefer it.

After finishing this outline, the real enjoyable part starts which is when you just fill in the outline with all the other colors, no constant pattern checking needed. It's like coloring in one of those adult coloring books but, um, you know, stitching.

This extra calming project has come at a particularly good time for me, as schools let out for April vacation and it was a little crazy during the run up to this point. And, in true Ashley fashion, I'm still unable to fully relax now that the vacation has begun.

I've begun wedding planning again and am reminded that I'm not good at wedding planning. I suppose it's not wedding planning specifically that I'm terrible at but making a high volume of decisions within a short time span. I'm only good for like, one decision a day, two if I'm feeling a little spicy.

When I have something important to do, I have a hard time relaxing and allowing myself to fully enjoy fun things when I'm not actively working on it. While logically I know it's about balance, you have to also do Fun Things in addition to Important Things so your brain doesn't explode or whatever, I still find myself vacillating between doing The Thing and moping around trying to convince myself to do something else while still somehow not getting anything done. 

This inevitably leaves me feeling like I'm wasting my vacation. Though I'm fully aware that worrying about wasting time only creates more wasted time, I still find myself focusing a lot of my brain power perfecting the art of that that very specific form of worrying. One of my many talents.

This is why I spend much of time stabbing things over and over. Something about it, especially working on a project like this, really calms me down. I think the key is that it takes just the right amount of brain space- enough to keep my worries at bay but allow them to work themselves out in the back of my mind, if that makes any sense.

Now that this piece has gotten me back in creative mode, I've slowly started to combine my need for creative relaxation with wedding planning- because of course I have to make stuff for the big day- as the perfect way to fully unwind. I've also got a project based on Isaac Asimov's Laws of Robotics going because despite just now talking about how stressed I am, I felt the need to just completely overburden myself, per usual.

Aaaaaand there we have it! The finished square. I love the colors and can't wait to crack on with the other eight squares. Aside from all the other things I'm stressed about, I've also been putting a lot of thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life (job-wise) for some reason, so I'm sure this'll be done soon enough as I try to maintain my comfortable base level of panic without reaching critical mass.

On that note, I feel the need to share that I got a beer midway though this post because 1) look at this can. Look at it. I love it, it has more of a shiny metallic shine in person and is 100% why I grabbed it off the shelf in the first place and 2) it was a delightfully bitter-but-not-too-bitter black ale, recommended if you're into that sort of thing. I've never had it or anything else from Ten Bends for that matter, but apparently it's out of Vermont and most of their cans are gorgeous. Sure it doesn't matter but art for arts sake is what keeps us sane so I'll take it where I can get it.

On that note, cheers!

I read: Guards! Guards!

 

Yesterday, I had my second round of vaccinations. I'm thrilled to have them done but, like many, this means I felt like complete shit today. I would describe the feeling as being similar to having drunk too much cheap wine the night before, except instead of having had a fun night with friends, I got stabbed.* 

I'm not complaining though- aside from the benefit of, you know, being vaccinated, I got a day off work where I could wrap myself up in a quilt and do absolutely nothing productive whatsoever, guilt-free. I created a nest of blankets on the couch with my laptop, Switch controller, sewing, and book within easy reach. 

And therein we come to the real point of the post which is, I finished my book. 

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With all my extra free time today, I finished reading Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett. It's one of my favorites because it's the very first appearance of The City Watch, the top Discworld storyline in my opinion which 8 out of the 41 Discworld novels are based on. In it, a would-be ruler of the [in]famous city of Ankh-Morpork decides to take over by summoning a dragon  of the extremely large and fire breathing variety, which isn't supposed to- shouldn't- exist. To no one's surprise, there's some serious repercussions to this. To everyone's surprise, it's up to the small, ragtag, usually ineffectual Watch to save the day.

As with any Pratchett book, I enjoyed it thoroughly and would recommend it to anyone and the only reason I didn't give it a full 5 star rating was because Nothing is Perfect and I will never be able to bring myself to give anything a 5 star rating.

Star rating: 4.8/5

2021 Book Count: 6

*I'm already feeling much better and will be back to work tomorrow. Don't let the potential for a fake hangover stop you from getting vaccinated!