WTH:ICDT

Gave myself a bit of a break there, in case you didn't notice. Though sticktoitiveness is something I'm working on, I decided that writing a blog for a small (toddler-sized?) handful of people wasn't a priority if I'm honest. I started this to remind myself of all the things that make me happy, to bring back a little zest for life that was lost to job-related burn out, and as my wedding approached and my days got fuller and my family arrived, I found I briefly did not need that reminder and preferred to spend my days doing the things instead of processing the things.

Now that I'm married though (just look at that extra bling there!) and the dust is settling, I find Feelings emerging that I was able to keep at bay throughout all the hubbub. This also probably has something to do with me starting work tomorrow after a 2 month hiatus, the longest time I wasn't workin' for The Man consecutively since I was 16 (I'm not counting the time in college when I didn't have a formal job because I had curriculum-required volunteer work so not only was The Man still tellin' me what to do, but I was doing it for free while a broke college student, which is worse).  

If you recall (I don't feel like providing a link, just nod like you know what I'm talking about), I started a job at an elementary school at the end of last November as a Special Education Aide- basically helping a special education student get through their day. It was a strange year and now I'm onto a new, still strange year. More mask wearing (which I will gladly do for the safety of everyone but it still sucks), a different teacher, and though I will be with the same child, unfortunately his medical condition worsened over the summer so it feels like I'm starting a whole new job, but one I'm expected to already be good at. 

This has led me to have a lot of Big Thoughts concerning my career path and ideas about jobs which I don't want to unpack right now (turns out, that's a very large suitcase) but want to in the future and I like this platform for doing so. I've always had a hard time articulating my feelings out loud, but writing them down orders my thoughts (somewhat), and shouting into the void of the internet makes me feel like I'm doing it for a reason (somehow), even though processing my emotions instead if just stewing the shit out of them is a fantastic reason to do it all on its own.

Here, we will take brief a break to check out what it looks like when you order 75 yellow roses over the internet. I did this because florists are expensive, especially when you say the word "wedding," and despite some pretty aggressive apathy, I also have an extremely strong "What The Hell, I Can Do That" (WTH:ICDT for short) conviction that led me to order those beauties and a shit-ton of random greenery which my entire wedding party (special shout out to my Matron of Honor Extraordinaire though) and I arranged into bouquets, corsages/boutonnieres, and table centerpieces. Much to the surprise of us all, we were extremely successful and no one could believe it totaled only about $200. It's not enough for me to do it, I must do it at a shockingly low price, that's where the biggest serotonin hit lives.

I mention all this because funnily enough, though that WTH:ICDT feeling is the only thing that keeps my head above water during my most depressed times, it also provides me with most of the inner conflict which I use this blog to directly or indirectly sort through. There's an Ashley that has this totally unfounded confidence that she can take on whatever and there's an Ashley that asks the first Ashley for a piggy-back ride only to whisper "yeah but can you though? When? Whyyyy?" in her ear constantly. I may look like I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting on my couch watching-but-not-watching TV while scrolling though my phone but what I'm really doing is that plus having an argument with myself where I list all of the projects I'd like to tackle but then counter with "yeah but I can't start now because [insert excuse here]" until I get sad and also probably mad.

I know, I know, not a really unique issue here, but I point it out as a further reason for my shouting into the void and all that, which doesn't exactly deviate from my original intended purpose with the blog, but expands it or specifies it, I dunno. I suppose I'm describing basic anxiety but I'm getting it out there anyway because part of my problem (I've lost count of how many facets this particular diamond has) is feeling bad for having a problem because in the grand scheme of things, it isn't really a problem. Like, I have all my basic needs met and despite getting bummed and anxious a lot, my home is clean, my bills are paid, and my relationships are healthy. But fuck it, lets talk about it anyway because I'm entitled to my feelings, whatever they are. I can only deal with them if I acknowledge them without apology.

Source. In other news, this summer I've also become obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race.

It sounds like I really got carried away in an anxiety ramble here- and I'm not saying I didn't per se- but I felt the need to take a stab at clarifying why I'm here for my own sake, now that I'm on the brink of another chapter in my life with a slightly different outlook, or one that I can feel evolving anyway, since I've had a whole summer to simmer on it. I know I bounce around and change my mind a lot but I feel good about getting things out there because even though it doesn't always happen, it feels more likely that these things will manifest themselves somehow if I dare to say them out loud.

So here we are, finishing up a summer of doing things and making things and discovering things and celebrating things... as uneasy as I feel, I think I'm walking into all this semi-newness with a little more willingness to shake things up than I have in the past and I'm not mad about it. 

Lets see how far I can ride this wave.

School's Out

 Ah, here we are, yet another month has passed me by. But hey, I'm not going to worry about it. I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you- why should I? Who am I doing this but for me? And me was overwhelmed for a while, ok?

See what I did there? A little different tactic. Less apologies, more assertiveness. No long winded excuses. I must be feeling good! It must be..

~~~SUMMER BREAK!!!~~~

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So hey, yeah, I'm on vacation and feeling marginally better than I was a week or two ago (see angst here), though not as good as I thought I would to be honest. When I finally left school that last day I thought I would be filled with elation. Not since I was 16 have I had this much time off of work. Surely I should be ecstatic! 

Alas, that is apparently not how my brain works and instead of bliss, I was hit with a tidal wave of guilt and panic. I just felt... weird about it. Luckily, I have a friend who also works in a school I can vent to because this is the sort of thing you feel like a complete asshole complaining to any other working stiff about. I don't feel bad about having an issue with this but I'm acutely aware that there are far worse problems to have.

I've spent some time reflecting on it (because what better way to get out of a brain funk than to take a deep dive into all the stuff that could possibly be upsetting you) and I think I was just more burnt out from my job at the psych hospital than I realized. The sluggishness and apathy I've felt have been annoying and troubling to me but while working full time, it's easy to attribute some of that to being tired and preoccupied from working. I'm realizing now that it goes a little deeper than that.

There are lots of things I'd love to do with all my free time this summer but I've spent most of my time so far in something of a daze. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and tidying. I did a puzzle in record time. Basically, I just can't sit still and commit to something. 

At the very least, despite all the introspection and inability to figure out how to spend my time, like I said at the start of this post, I'm still feeling pretty good overall so it's my hope that the fog will clear and I'll get into something soon. In the meantime, I'm attempting- when I can pause my aimless wanderings long enough- to fill up on inspiration as much as possible so when I'm finally in the mood, I'll be bursting with possibilities. 

What do I do when I'm taking a break from having to do things but don't want to not do anything for the entire summer you ask? List time!

• Walk. Obviously exercise makes you feel better so I've been trying to go out for a walk everyday. It's been HOT here though (but not quite as hot as the pacific northwest- ugh, sorry guys!), so I haven't been great at that but today I did make it out. I foolishly failed to bring water so I arrived back at my apartment feeling a little woozy and dripping in sweat with a tomato-red face. Allow me to hit you with some TMI -  I then stripped off my clothes and stood naked while drinking water in my bathroom, waiting for my shower to get to the right temperature. Glamorous.
• Wow, I really hate being hot.

• Listen to podcasts- I've mentioned that I listen to podcasts before and I pretty much listen to the same ones on that list still but instead of listening on my way to work, I've been listening on my walks or while sitting on my porch, possibly cross stitching. My latest favorite and new addition is Levar Burton Reads where my man Levar Burton reads then reflects on a short story. It's FANTASTIC. He's a great reader (which I already knew from my Reading Rainbow days) and they add just enough sound effects to make the storytelling even more immersive without going overboard. Plus, his brief discussion of the story at the end is always interesting and insightful. Today I listened to him read "Vaccine Season" by Hannu Rajaniemi and it was amazing.

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• Read. My book numbers are going to be horrible this year but I already have a couple more to add to the list!

• Watch crafty YouTube. I haven't really been a huge YouTube watcher but recently I stumbled across a number of crafty channels and I can stop watching them. They make me want to try so many new crafty things!!! Most of them deal with model building but I'm working on putting a list of suggestions together, so stay tuned if you think that might be your thing.

• Continue working on stitching projects in progress. Sure, they're not new and exciting, but I feel good working on something and that just clears out more space for NEW projects.

• Video games. I'm toggling between Animal Crossing and Quest For Glory: So You Want To Be A Hero, an adventure game from 1989 (though I'm playing the 1992 VGA version) at M's suggestion as the Quest For Glory series of games were his favorite growing up.

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That's basically it to be honest. Throw in a sprinkling of wedding planning related activities and hanging out with friends Friday and Saturday and you've pretty much got my first week down. I think I might tackle organizing my Craft Horde because that always makes me want to make a complete mess of it again by starting like 5 projects at once but we'll see. 

I'm going to sign off for now, but first I'm going to leave you with the song you KNOW I have to include in this post, it's 100% required.

PS:

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Man, lots of gifs today, huh?

No Excuses, Only Comics

It's been a month but I don't have any excuses, only comics.

Yup, that same ol' story. So much to do, I don't want to do anything. But swiftly coming up is the end of the school year and, then, my wedding. 

Exciting things though right?! The school year is wrapping up (a mere 4 weeks left) and I've made the decision to take the summer off. Though I have saved the money necessary to do this and of course I'm looking forward to it, it also fills me with anxiety. What if [dramatic pause] Something Happens that drains my savings? And like I said, there's that whole getting married thing I'm doing in August which I want to make all sorts of things for, aside from the normal prep work.

Long story short, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and that usually means I shut down. And nowadays, that specifically means I play a lot of Animal Crossing. Its a good de-stressor but it certainly doesn't make me feel like I accomplished anything productive. While I do need to keep myself on track, one of the big things I'm working on is not beating myself up for taking little downtime. Sure, don't let it get out of hand, but as long as I'm getting my basic things done when I need to get them done, who says I can't sit on the porch with my Switch for a while?

The following photo is from when Lucy looked into my soul and told me something I hadn't realized about myself:

Girl YES I know what you mean.

I haven't been entirely stagnant though, I promise. Projects are sloooowly but surly coming along, including this one, another set of cross stitches based on Asimov's Laws of Robotics,  AND I've been working on a way to mingle my jewelry making and cross stitch hobbies. Like I said though, slow going. Same with reading though I recently finished another Rex Stout mystery which I plan on sharing soon.

Anyway,  I hope to get back on track and out of this low energy slump I'm in. Only time will tell but I'll keep thinking about it...

I love Poorly Drawn Lines, check it out.

Progress

A while ago, I mentioned that I was starting a new project. I'm happy to report that I didn't just say I wanted to start a new project but I did, in fact, start it. If you recall, the pattern is essentially nine tile-like squares with  coordinating designs. For this post, I decided to take a picture after I finished each color thread. 

All outlines are done in this shade of green, which I am not mad about because I love green. I think this is one of the colors I had to substitute to because I didn't have the specific color the pattern called for. This one seems a bit brighter though so I think I prefer it.

After finishing this outline, the real enjoyable part starts which is when you just fill in the outline with all the other colors, no constant pattern checking needed. It's like coloring in one of those adult coloring books but, um, you know, stitching.

This extra calming project has come at a particularly good time for me, as schools let out for April vacation and it was a little crazy during the run up to this point. And, in true Ashley fashion, I'm still unable to fully relax now that the vacation has begun.

I've begun wedding planning again and am reminded that I'm not good at wedding planning. I suppose it's not wedding planning specifically that I'm terrible at but making a high volume of decisions within a short time span. I'm only good for like, one decision a day, two if I'm feeling a little spicy.

When I have something important to do, I have a hard time relaxing and allowing myself to fully enjoy fun things when I'm not actively working on it. While logically I know it's about balance, you have to also do Fun Things in addition to Important Things so your brain doesn't explode or whatever, I still find myself vacillating between doing The Thing and moping around trying to convince myself to do something else while still somehow not getting anything done. 

This inevitably leaves me feeling like I'm wasting my vacation. Though I'm fully aware that worrying about wasting time only creates more wasted time, I still find myself focusing a lot of my brain power perfecting the art of that that very specific form of worrying. One of my many talents.

This is why I spend much of time stabbing things over and over. Something about it, especially working on a project like this, really calms me down. I think the key is that it takes just the right amount of brain space- enough to keep my worries at bay but allow them to work themselves out in the back of my mind, if that makes any sense.

Now that this piece has gotten me back in creative mode, I've slowly started to combine my need for creative relaxation with wedding planning- because of course I have to make stuff for the big day- as the perfect way to fully unwind. I've also got a project based on Isaac Asimov's Laws of Robotics going because despite just now talking about how stressed I am, I felt the need to just completely overburden myself, per usual.

Aaaaaand there we have it! The finished square. I love the colors and can't wait to crack on with the other eight squares. Aside from all the other things I'm stressed about, I've also been putting a lot of thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life (job-wise) for some reason, so I'm sure this'll be done soon enough as I try to maintain my comfortable base level of panic without reaching critical mass.

On that note, I feel the need to share that I got a beer midway though this post because 1) look at this can. Look at it. I love it, it has more of a shiny metallic shine in person and is 100% why I grabbed it off the shelf in the first place and 2) it was a delightfully bitter-but-not-too-bitter black ale, recommended if you're into that sort of thing. I've never had it or anything else from Ten Bends for that matter, but apparently it's out of Vermont and most of their cans are gorgeous. Sure it doesn't matter but art for arts sake is what keeps us sane so I'll take it where I can get it.

On that note, cheers!

Hello Mr. Blue Sky

My excuse for stepping away from the computer lately is actually a good one: It's been nice outside.

I've realized over the last few years- especially since I moved to Massachusetts and began experiencing longer, more miserable winters- that the weather affects me a lot more than I thought it would. What this means is, I'm a sad cold lump for several months, then the first few warm days hit and I feel like I've taken a party drug. We got out our bikes and everything. And RODE them. Even my geranium, which I dragged inside after last summer and which hated me for it, proving it by shedding a ton of leaves, has regained her former glory and is even pushing out new blooms.

Speaking of plants, I would like to pause in my pro-spring rant to bring you another plant pride and joy, my birthday gift to myself:

Isn't she beautiful? It's a Ficus Elastica Tineke, or, slightly less fancily, a variegated rubber tree. In the background you can see the plant that started my obsession, Rubbert Plant the rubber plant, who is my ultimate favorite- when I learned he came in fun colors, I knew I would get one one day. It was ages until one appeared in my local nursery (ordering online isn't nearly as fun, plus, the hunt his half the excitement!) and serendipitously, I stumbled across this one on my birthday Treat Yo Self trip to the garden center. 

To further deviate from the original purpose of this post, allow me to share another birthday present to myself which is a new pair of glasses. I usually have two pairs in rotation just in case something happens to one but decided to add a third because... why not. I love changing my glasses frequently so I order them from Zenni, which has a lot of inexpensive but good options (I've never had any quality issues and I've ordered many pairs). I will say though that they're inexpensive for me because my vision is normal-bad so no astigmatisms or anything- I'm not sure how it'd be for someone with bad-bad vision. 

I usually go with something in a cat eye shape but decided to mix it up a little. I was specifically looking for blue ones but I fell in love with the shape enough that I was okay with settling on just streaks of blue. I like bolder colors usually (the blue isn't so pronounced when I'm wearing them) but I'm glad I got these because they suit my face so well!

Aaaanywho, with this explosion of good feels, I've broken out of my apathy a little and started some new projects. Things are still slow-going and I'm pretty sure this is something I'll always struggle with but it's felt nice to work on some new crafty things recently. 

One of the first things I did as the weather warmed up is break out the watercolors. I love experimenting with watercolors. I've nowhere near mastered it but I think I'm getting better and am pretty proud of my recent result, which is a card for my mom who recently had surgery on her hand (trigger finger). She's much better now and is healing quickly but I figured she could use a card of support since she was unable to sew for several days (tragic!).

Chickadees are the state bird of Massachusetts and fun to draw/paint because they're basically round little puff balls. Since they are super cute little puff balls, I thought it'd be extra funny to have it yelling at my mom to get better.

I dunno, it made sense when I was painting it.

I was definitely inspired by the comic False Knees when I made this (check it out! So funny!). I think I did a pretty great job if I do say so myself and though I haven't painted anything else since this, I also haven't put my paints away. It's either inspiration or laziness, only time will tell.

That's not the only project I worked on but of course, I'm making things for people that will potentially see this so I cannot yet share but it's happening, trust me. It seems to be impossible for me to just keep making things for myself- for every thing I do for me, I have to bombard at least three other people with something I've made. I suppose it could be worse.

I've also finally gotten around to hanging some art that's been kicking around for a while and generally sprucing stuff up. Spring cleaning I suppose. That and I've been taking more walks and planting a lot of flowers in Animal Crossing, which totally counts, right?

Well, I think I'm going to sit on the porch and try to coax the neighbors cat to hang out with me. I'll just leave the natural choice for a song to accompany this post before I go. Enjoy the sunshine everyone!

Birthday Museum Trip

Like I mentioned in my last post, my big birthday plans centered on a museum visit. It ended up being a more laid back day than I was originally planning, but on the day, that's just what we felt like doing. Aside from booking the museum trip, I just didn't feel like making all sorts of plans and having to figure things out so we decided to wing it. Luckily, it turned out to be a great day and an overall nice, relaxing weekend.

The museum I landed on was the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum in Boston. I decided to choose something closer to home than my first choice,  MASS MoCA, as we thought that it would be more fun to visit when we could make a whole weekend out of it. That left a few other choices but I ultimately wanted to try something new. I'm happy to report that I was not disappointed. 

And now for the photo dump...

If you were to google this museum, you'd get hit with a ton of pictures of it's courtyard. It's a large, 3 story tall glass roofed observatory filled with an amazing array of plants that, so the audio tour told us, are swapped out every few weeks- if you look close, you'll notice that the vast majority of the plants are in pots.

The rest of the museum was filled with an eclectic mix of art from all over the world, collected by Ms Gardner (1840-1924) with the help of various artist friends and experts, including pieces from some old masters as well as work that would be considered modern for her time.

 Her occupation is listed as "philanthropist" which is basically a nice way to say she had a lot of time and money on her hands, hence the museum. She seems like she was quite the lady though, doing her own thing and successfully chasing her dream of creating this museum at a time when that was most definitely not something a woman would commonly do.

She was extremely hands-on with the creation of the museum and in her will, left strict instructions to leave it as-is. She specifically wanted it to be a place where you go to feel the art and come to your own conclusions, which is why there are no placards giving info on any of the works. I love this idea in theory but M and I are the kind of people that enjoy taking hours to go through museums reading every little thing- luckily, these an audio tour for people like us.

This is a Raphael (no, not this Raphael). I loved the colors.

The walls here are covered in painted leather panels- the dark parts are tarnished silver. Think about how gloriously shiny that would've been!

A Botticelli.

This little alcove is a good example of how eclectic her collection was.

This museum initially got on my radar by hearing about the theft of 13 paintings in 1990 (there's going to be a Netflix docuseries about it in April!) and I was interested to find that they kept the empty frames up as  a sign of hope for their eventual return. Classical painting isn't my number one favorite but it's hard not to be a little awed seeing some of these and feeling the loss of the stolen work. 

Below that painting by Manet, was another piece by him called Chez Tortoni.

Those frame used to contain 2 paintings by Rembrandt, including his only known seascape, Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee (look at the light in that one!!).

That's a self portrait of Rembrandt as a young man, now gazing across the room at the empty frames of some of his later great work.

We topped off our classy museum visit (I even wore a dress, which doesn't often happen) with... good beer and tacos. And games (except I lost)! A good day hits all those important notes- classy, laid back, fun. A successful start to my 32nd year, I'd say.