WTH:ICDT

Gave myself a bit of a break there, in case you didn't notice. Though sticktoitiveness is something I'm working on, I decided that writing a blog for a small (toddler-sized?) handful of people wasn't a priority if I'm honest. I started this to remind myself of all the things that make me happy, to bring back a little zest for life that was lost to job-related burn out, and as my wedding approached and my days got fuller and my family arrived, I found I briefly did not need that reminder and preferred to spend my days doing the things instead of processing the things.

Now that I'm married though (just look at that extra bling there!) and the dust is settling, I find Feelings emerging that I was able to keep at bay throughout all the hubbub. This also probably has something to do with me starting work tomorrow after a 2 month hiatus, the longest time I wasn't workin' for The Man consecutively since I was 16 (I'm not counting the time in college when I didn't have a formal job because I had curriculum-required volunteer work so not only was The Man still tellin' me what to do, but I was doing it for free while a broke college student, which is worse).  

If you recall (I don't feel like providing a link, just nod like you know what I'm talking about), I started a job at an elementary school at the end of last November as a Special Education Aide- basically helping a special education student get through their day. It was a strange year and now I'm onto a new, still strange year. More mask wearing (which I will gladly do for the safety of everyone but it still sucks), a different teacher, and though I will be with the same child, unfortunately his medical condition worsened over the summer so it feels like I'm starting a whole new job, but one I'm expected to already be good at. 

This has led me to have a lot of Big Thoughts concerning my career path and ideas about jobs which I don't want to unpack right now (turns out, that's a very large suitcase) but want to in the future and I like this platform for doing so. I've always had a hard time articulating my feelings out loud, but writing them down orders my thoughts (somewhat), and shouting into the void of the internet makes me feel like I'm doing it for a reason (somehow), even though processing my emotions instead if just stewing the shit out of them is a fantastic reason to do it all on its own.

Here, we will take brief a break to check out what it looks like when you order 75 yellow roses over the internet. I did this because florists are expensive, especially when you say the word "wedding," and despite some pretty aggressive apathy, I also have an extremely strong "What The Hell, I Can Do That" (WTH:ICDT for short) conviction that led me to order those beauties and a shit-ton of random greenery which my entire wedding party (special shout out to my Matron of Honor Extraordinaire though) and I arranged into bouquets, corsages/boutonnieres, and table centerpieces. Much to the surprise of us all, we were extremely successful and no one could believe it totaled only about $200. It's not enough for me to do it, I must do it at a shockingly low price, that's where the biggest serotonin hit lives.

I mention all this because funnily enough, though that WTH:ICDT feeling is the only thing that keeps my head above water during my most depressed times, it also provides me with most of the inner conflict which I use this blog to directly or indirectly sort through. There's an Ashley that has this totally unfounded confidence that she can take on whatever and there's an Ashley that asks the first Ashley for a piggy-back ride only to whisper "yeah but can you though? When? Whyyyy?" in her ear constantly. I may look like I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting on my couch watching-but-not-watching TV while scrolling though my phone but what I'm really doing is that plus having an argument with myself where I list all of the projects I'd like to tackle but then counter with "yeah but I can't start now because [insert excuse here]" until I get sad and also probably mad.

I know, I know, not a really unique issue here, but I point it out as a further reason for my shouting into the void and all that, which doesn't exactly deviate from my original intended purpose with the blog, but expands it or specifies it, I dunno. I suppose I'm describing basic anxiety but I'm getting it out there anyway because part of my problem (I've lost count of how many facets this particular diamond has) is feeling bad for having a problem because in the grand scheme of things, it isn't really a problem. Like, I have all my basic needs met and despite getting bummed and anxious a lot, my home is clean, my bills are paid, and my relationships are healthy. But fuck it, lets talk about it anyway because I'm entitled to my feelings, whatever they are. I can only deal with them if I acknowledge them without apology.

Source. In other news, this summer I've also become obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race.

It sounds like I really got carried away in an anxiety ramble here- and I'm not saying I didn't per se- but I felt the need to take a stab at clarifying why I'm here for my own sake, now that I'm on the brink of another chapter in my life with a slightly different outlook, or one that I can feel evolving anyway, since I've had a whole summer to simmer on it. I know I bounce around and change my mind a lot but I feel good about getting things out there because even though it doesn't always happen, it feels more likely that these things will manifest themselves somehow if I dare to say them out loud.

So here we are, finishing up a summer of doing things and making things and discovering things and celebrating things... as uneasy as I feel, I think I'm walking into all this semi-newness with a little more willingness to shake things up than I have in the past and I'm not mad about it. 

Lets see how far I can ride this wave.