I Made It: Surprise Snowflake

I'm having guests for Christmas and even though it's my sister who is the messiest person I've ever had the displeasure of once sharing a room with, that means I'm in this extreme cleaning mode where I clean absolutely everything, even stuff no guest is going to see or notice. Like my desk for instance.

I have a pretty sweet desk with tons of shelving and drawers which is one part awesome because I can stash all my crafty supplies, but one part not awesome because it sometimes becomes a black hole where things get forgotten.

In this recent crazy person cleaning I did, I found this cross-stitchable laser engraved wooden snowflake I purchased last year from the Etsy Shop WayvDesigns.

Here's the listing for that specific snowflake if you wanted to copy me.

I had bought three, stitched two of them up for gifts, kept one for myself because I liked it and can do whatever I want because I'm an adult, then promptly forgot about it. No problem though because it felt like Past-Ashley just gave a gift to Present-Ashley (I'm/we're so thoughtful!). I took a break from my other projects I'm working on (unadvisable but inevitable) to stitch it up and hang it on my tree. Voila:

It was super simple to do- you could definitely get more ornate with it if you're motivated like that but I was just looking for a minor diversion from my obligations, not a full-on derailment. I took variegated Christmas-colored embroidery floss (all 6 strands, good luck threading that) and back stitched it in a sort of spiral from the outside top to the middle. I'm wondering now if it would've been easier to start in the middle but I'm also wondering if I particularly care (no). I used the leftover length of thread to tie a loop to hang it on my tree but you could go the classier route and use a ribbon of course.

Definitely sewed this while sitting on my couch getting caught up on Star Trek: Discovery. Below is a shot of the back. You won't really see it much but it's an unnecessary point of pride when the back of your cross stitch is neat. It just shows you are the kind of person that cares too much about things that don't actually matter (me in a nutshell). 

I'm pretty happy with how it came out and am glad I am one step closer to totally overburdening my tree with an obscene amount of awesome ornaments in the way I became accustomed to growing up (hi Ma!). Now I guess I have no excuse for avoiding my responsibilities.... or do I...

*I'm linking this because I really liked the purchase I made, as well as many of the other things in this shop (check it out!!), not because someone else told me to. I do what I want, ok?!

Taco Bell Feelings

Well I didn't get the job.

I waited so long to write something about it partially because life just did that thing where all of a sudden the waters turn rough and you feel like you're being carried along through the rapids, and also partially because I didn't want to write a post where I just talk about how bummed I was because who wants to read that and also I knew I'd be fine.

And hey, look. I am. I was right.

I did go through a [surprisingly] brief period where I was gripped with disappointment though. I dwelled on the fact that I was told I was one of the top 2 candidates yet still managed to mess up 50/50 odds. I dwelled on the fact that I wouldn't get out of working Christmas this year. These feelings are all pretty natural I think and to my credit, I did the right thing which is to let the feelings run right through you like Taco Bell. Just what you needed at the time, some discomfort after, but then you leave it all behind and feel much better having survived.

Classic

Anywho, to be honest, I mostly feel relieved now that I've settled down. I have a lot going on this time of year and I like to enjoy it as much as possible. Starting a new job would definitely put quite a bit of stress on me, but now I can relax and fully immerse myself in the Christmas spirit and still have enough energy to be obnoxious about it, which I greatly enjoy doing. Next year I'll start up the job search again but for now, CHRISTMASSSSSS!

Source

Just a quick update for now but I'll be back with some more fun stuff I definitely haven't thought up yet. To sing my exit, here's one of my current favorite Christmas songs.

I read: The Blind Assassin

I like to read and I don't take that lightly. I don't mean that I occasionally pick up a book while on vacation here; I'm talking about never not having a book in progress since I could make my way through a novel. Because of this, it's only natural that I share my reads on occasion since they are one of the things that brings me joy.

Though I couldn't exactly say my recent read of The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood brought me any joy per se, but that's not a critique by any means. 

You can read the blurb on Goodreads I linked you to up there for a more eloquent description of this novel but here's my quick summary: 

A cynical and tired old woman narrates the trials and tribulations of her life in the 1930s and 1940s which is occasionally interrupted by a story about two secret lovers, one of whom is a pulpy science fiction writer who tells the other a sci-fi story called The Blind Assassin throughout the course of their clandestine meetings. These two (three??) seemingly disparate stories eventually intertwine in the most surprising way, in the best slow-burn fashion; you go from being sure of the connection, to unsure, to wildly unsure, to sudden reveal.

Got that? Good.

I would give this book a 4.5 out of 5 stars, highly recommended. I had to stop reading this at work because afterward I'd be super affected by the narraters vaguely negative and cynical tone but that's quite the testament to Atwood's writing ability. I went beyond just enjoying it or not enjoying it. I couldn't help but become fully immersed. 

Prior to this book, I'd only read one of her books, Oryx and Crake (when linking this up, I discovered two more connected books have been written after I read it making it a trilogy I now HAVE TO READ), and it was fantastic. Much more sci-fi. A Handmaid's Tale has been getting a lot of mention lately what with it being made into a show and all but I've been putting off reading it because of all the hype. I'm glad too, because I picked this book up instead and do not regret it one bit.

Ps- I always take any and all book enthusiastic suggestions.

Comic: Confidence

Today I had my interview. I feel as if it well but of course only time will tell just how well it went. I thought about it on the way home and the reason I believe it went so well was that, shockingly and completely against my normal state of emotional affairs, I somehow was able to act confident. I envision my inner self to be a confusing maze of corridors lined with doors, some of them wide open, some of them locked with some sort of complicated puzzle based lock. Guess which door confidence is usually behind?

...Yup. Hence my shock.

I've checked out a lot of interview tips on the internet throughout this process and the one that makes me roll my eyes the most is "Confidence is key!!" I mean, Jesus Christ, of course that's freaking helpful but if I was able to drum up more confidence that easily, I wouldn't be looking at this dumb infographic or whatever. Shoot, if I was more confident, I probably would have had a new job ages ago. 

It's a pretty obvious interview/life tip that acting confident can instill confidence in you in others but that's easier said than done. My confidence isn't failing me because I forgot to like, flick a switch or something. It's been a very long and difficult process to get to the point where I can be asked a question like "how do you feel about occasional public speaking?" in an interview and not laugh and run away. But here I am. Regardless of whether or not I get the job (I'm one of the top 2 candidates though!!), I was able to do even better than what my best used to be. So hey, go me.

I'll leave you with a comic I just so happened to stumble across today that sparked this post. Enjoy.

Check out more Mr Lovenstein comics on his site!

I made it! - A little advice from Worf

I've been unsatisfied with my current job for quite some time now so I've been on the hunt for a new one for ages. It's been slow going- I'm being picky (because why shouldn't I be?) and finding a job I'm passionate about that also pays at or above my current salary has proved... difficult to say the least (because social work degree). I really must be a glutton for punishment too because not only that but I'm looking to branch out a little, meaning I'd like to continue in the "helping people" vein but move away from mental health for a little bit to save my own mental health.

Anywho, I've gone on quite a few interviews and, clearly, no real hits yet. Scheduling/money has been the main reason for that but I've had my fair share of "sorry, we've decided to go with another candidate." It's certainly disheartening after a while but on the plus side, though I still get gut wrenchingly anxious the day of the interview, once I'm actually sitting across from the interviewer(s), I'm strangely calm and unflappable. I've even mastered some in-interview banter for crying out loud. Practice makes perfect, who knew?

Mr. Worf. source

All that has led up to this: I went on an interview a week ago and today, I got a call informing me that they liked me, felt I was a good fit, and in order to decide between me and one other candidate, would I like to come in for a second/final interview on Tuesday?

YES. YES I WOULD. 

It's easy to get ahead of myself and start dreaming of all the upcoming holidays I won't have to work (I currently work in a hospital with round-the-clock staffing so we work every other holiday), the restraints I won't have to do (did I mention it was a psychiatric hospital?), omg the weekends I won't have to work (yup, every other weekend too)... and that's not even taking into account the potentially rewarding, interesting, and, dare I say, fun, nature of the work itself. 

I'm trying to keep the balance of realistic "there's only a 50/50 chance I'll get it, it's not definite" and optimistic "omg I'm gonna KILL the second interview like I did the first, how could they not hire me?" but it's difficult as I naturally tend to see-saw between extremes. Then there's the whole anxiety around the interview process itself...

While I would not condone not preparing for an interview of course, I know what's best for me here is to not worry about it (HAHAHA) for as long as possible. I'm still primed with knowledge and snappy interview question answers from my recent interview; what happens now is largely out of my control. I can do my very best but the interviewers decisions are their own.

I know this all very logically, it sounds good, but it's hard to accept, especially when you've been job searching for so long and now you're so close. I could be writing a blog post next week about how I deal with not getting the job after all but aside from the normal interview prep work I've already put it, it's out of my hands. It's not up to me.

On the cork board on the wall to the right of my desk, I have pinned a scrap of paper with the following phrase on it: 

"Thinking about what you can't control only wastes energy and creates its own enemy."

For any Trekkies out there it's from Star Trek: TNG, S1E19 "Coming of Age" and today, that quote really caught me (shout out to my man Worf). In an effort to follow that advice, I doodled a little picture of it to take my mind off things.

Sorry for the crappy mom-style picture of a picture.  The scanner intimidates me.

I've been doing a lot of doodling at work lately to pass the time. My specialty is little cartoons of the kids saying funny things, they love it. So, this is what came out of my rollercoaster of anxiety/excitement/stress today and I'm pretty darn happy with it.

If I was going to nitpick (always and forever yes I will do that), I'd say I should've tried to write the quote in something other than my never-neat handwriting. Oh and I realized afterward that since this is from season one, he would've been wearing command red...

And for you non Trekkies (weirdos), The strange gray shape under the banner is a bat'leth, and the knives are called a d'k tahg, both Klingon weapons. Oh and the little things shooting red on the sides are TNG phasers.

I'm going to continue doing my best not to worry but I'll be ready on Tuesday. I'll just wait to freak out until then but it's ok; as Worf said in that very same episode:

source

Qapla'!

Internet: get schwifty

I'm not a 15 year old boy that wears a Rick and Morty hoodie with his Pickle Rick socks pulled up to high school when he really wants to impress but I love the show, ok? It's ridiculous and hilarious, ok?

I know this is making me seem more like a 15 year old boy but I said all that to justify/explain/whatever me posting the following meme real quick. You're welcome and enjoy.

Want: Tombstone pins, obviously

I've started Christmas shopping. This is partly because I know that if I wait too long to start planning, a panic meltdown is in my future (I'm a very conscientious gift giver, ok? It's freaking stressful, ok?), and partly because I am THAT person about Christmas.

This of course, is a bit of a double-edged sword. Is it good to be on top of things? Yes. Is it good that I'm looking for cool stuff on the internet a lot, especially when it shows me not things my mom likes BUT ALL THE THINGS THAT I LIKE ALL THE TIME? No, probably not.

Anywho, needless to say I found something I wanted to give to myself because it was funny and this, of course, totally veered my evening in an entirely different and non-Christmassy direction. This is it, I need this pin:

Find it here

And just like that, I found myself on an Internet Spiral that I only snapped out of after I realized it was dark and that I was cold and hungry. What a wild time it was. First, I started thinking about how awesome (ok, sure, awesome, that's the word, yeah) it would be to put something a little more interesting on my headstone. I feel like it'd be apt to have something like the above pin, though other contestants include variations thereof such as:

• I guess that wasn't so bad
• At least now I don't have to talk on the phone ever again
• I have no idea what I'm doing here
• I get to stay in bed forever now? This doesn't seem so bad.

This quickly led to a Google search of interesting tombstones which took a bulk of my time. Somehow from there I came full circle and went back to Etsy to check out tombstone pins. Below are my favorites to wrap up this strange post.

From here. A good epigraph if I pick up a little more confidence as I go.

From here.

From here. I feel like the flames are a nice touch. Think I could have my tombstone permanently set ablaze?

From here. Couldn't have a good ol' tombstone pin lineup without a showing from one of my favorite authors.

*I'm showing you these because I like them, not because someone asked me to. I do what I want, ok?!

I made it! - My good friend Bob Ross

I've been attempting to use my time more wisely. Its... not going well. That's no surprise really, I've never gotten particularly high marks for that, but where my current mental health is concerned, sitting  on my couch after getting home to scroll though social media until I forget what day it is and/or "rest my eyes" is probably not a good choice of post-work activity.

Not that I'm necessarily setting out to do anything particularly important per se, but that doesn't matter. I just need to do something that won't fill me with regret later. I wish "consistently doing something you know you'll regret, then mentally beating yourself up later, regretting your regret of lost time" was a marketable skill because then I'd have a new freaking job already because I am a PRO.

Since the holidays are quickly approaching, this invariably means I'm taking on some sort of craft project(s) as gifts because what's Christmas without feeling overwhelmed? With this in mind I decided to do something to get me into the groove of making again, specifically deciding to sew a pin, because that's normal. As for what to sew on a pin, Bob Ross was an obvious choice. Obviously. 

So yeah, this is the final result:

Initially, it didn't look like that but I always have to go though a "I hate it!" phase when I'm making something, and with something this small, that seems to happen after I've already freaking finished it. This is what it looked like the first time I was "finished."

When you're drawing a pattern (seen bellow, sort of), it can seem all good on paper but once you're finished you realize, say, that a certain paintbrush (that's what that is, a paintbrush. You knew that, right? That definitely looks like a paintbrush...right?) was too close to a certain painter. It left things a little... off balance I thought. So of course I took it apart. 

[After I wrote that last paragraph I inspected my pictures more carefully and realized this picture was clearly taken before I finished it the FIRST time because it hasn't been cut out yet. Maybe you didn't notice this so maybe I shouldn't have said anything but either way, lets all pretend this makes sense.]

I decided to add some "paint droplets" (okay?!) to even things out because I didn't feel like redoing it all together. I've made a few of these pins now and they're pretty fun. Good if you're in a funk because you can get that emotional reward having totally completed a physical thing in a pretty short time span. Plus, then you can be like me and be late for work sometimes (all the time) because you're changing out the pins on your jacket.

It's a win-win!

I went to Japan that one time

I went to Lowe's the other day to get some supplies to try and save my snake plant (another story for another day, get pumped for that) and I wore a pin I got in Japan when I went this past May. The cashier asked me about it, probably because it said "Kurobe Kyokoku" (Kurobe Gorge) and I guess she- shockingly, I know -didn't speak Japanese. So, in very non-Ashley fashion, I decided to engage in small talk with a stranger a little more than usual and told her briefly about my trip and what the Kurobe Gorge was.

A normal response to this from a stranger in this situation would probably be "oh that's nice," maybe ask for very basic details, I dunno. This lady though, decided to tell me about the son of a WWII veteran that came through her line that day that "wouldn't have anything to do with Japan."

Umm. Ok.

I spent the car ride home wondering if the cashier really had that customer come through her line (highly unlikely- how would that come up in conversation?!) or if this was her way of voicing her disapproval of my vacation choices. Ridiculously too, might I add. First of all, they are currently our allies. Secondly, I'm certainly aware of what went down in WWII and know that Japan was not aligned with the US then of course, but about 90% of Toyama, the prefecture that Kurobe Gorge is in, was totaled in WWII so war sucks for EVERYone, ok? And besides that, it pissed me off because I'm actually super proud of the fact that I went to Japan.

Taking that trip was something I never thought I'd get a chance to do/be able to afford to do and I am so thrilled that it actually, somehow, happened. The Kurobe Gorge portion of my trip was especially fantastic and easily one of my favorite memories so I'm going to share it with you now because fuck that Lowe's cashier.

This is the town at the base of the cog railway

Merriam-Webster defines a cog railway as "a steep mountain railroad that has a rail with cogs engaged by a cogwheel on the locomotive to ensure traction." So, basically, the Kurobe cog railway is a steep-ass railway we took up to a mountain to check out the deep gash the Kurobe river had carved out of this beautiful landscape in Toyama. 

It was a longish trip up but we didn't mind. It was a beautiful clear day, perfect for what we set out to do which was, apparently, creep up a mountain on a weird small and open train then hike down along the river. Though it wasn't a quick train, we didn't get bored, that's for sure. I grew up in the gorgeous mountains of NC but I was dazzled at the sights all the same.

There's a couple paths to take along the river but unfortunately the one over the bridge was closed. It didn't matter because we had a great stroll along the river regardless. It was an amazing hike and though I am 100% a complainer on hikes due to me being physically out of shape and also being unable to cope with being uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form, even I was too in awe to gripe. 

We ended our walk by having lunch at a small, haphazardly placed/set up restaurant on the side of the river near some hot springs. I loved the food in Japan even more than I thought I would and the wild fiddlehead soba I had then did not disappoint.

Once we were sufficiently tired and fed, we marveled at the sights some more then took the train back down the mountain. Such an amazing day. If only that cashier new how much she was missing by holding onto some strange, old, needless prejudices...

[All pictures in this post are mine. Sorry about the photo dump but trust me, I showed restraint. So many wonderful sights to see on that trip!]

Get a move on: take a walk, take a walk, take a walk...

It really pisses me off how good exercise is for you. There is no other mental health improvement technique that gets shoved down your throat I like less than exercise but there's few (non-medication related) ones that work better. 

What the hell, man.

I'm mostly talking about conscious, regular exercise here, not the times when you do random fun things that just so happen to require physical activity, like going on a chill hike or bike ride. Nothing makes me more feel more like a petulant teenager than someone telling me exercising would help me tremendously; even though I logically know they are 100% correct, emotionally I want to yell "NO!" and go sulk somewhere, maybe even listen to My Chemical Romance (do the youth still do this? I hope so).

I've been making a concerted effort to move passed that lately because not only would it help with my near constant feelings of tiredness/sluggishness and apathy, but I turned 30 recently and find my body reminding me that it's all downhill from here pretty frequently (I have to wear compression knee braces when I do anything too strenuous for my sad weak old lady knees now for chrissakes). Not only do I NOT want to spend the rest of my life feeling depressed, I don't want to start taking all sorts of high blood pressure and high cholesterol meds either (and that's best-case scenario). 

Of course though, there's the issue of motivation. Funnily enough, having a good quality of life overall isn't enough to get me off my ass so whenever I do, I'm inordinately proud of myself. Yesterday after work, I decided to walk to a nearby coffee shop for, unsurprisingly, some coffee. I had intended to come back afterward making it about a 20 minute walk max, but instead I stayed out for about an hour.

Look at me go! I even provided photographic evidence!

An obligatory shot of me holding my coffee cup in front of a scenic backdrop. 

It's not super unusual for me to take a good long walk once I get started, even if that's not what I specifically set out to do. It's the whole getting started thing that really trips me up. Good coffee (or any coffee, who am I kidding) is a solid motivator to get out the door, but as far as staying out goes, it being fall in New England doesn't hurt...

Picturesque as hell, amiright? We have tons of rail trails around us which, according to Wikipedia, are defined as: the conversion of a disused railway track into a multi-use path, typically for walking, cycling and sometimes horse riding and snowmobiling. The characteristics of abandoned railways—flat, long, frequently running through historical areas—are appealing for various developments. We do a lot of biking on these but it's a good place to put on some music and just lose track of time while you're walking.

Speaking of music, I have a couple songs from my playlist for you so you have something else to look at besides my shitty cell phone pictures. The first one, Achey Bones by The Happy Fits, is a good one for when you're just starting out and you're feeling good about walking but want something to really motivate you and get you going. The urge do dance to this is pretty overwhelming so feel free to be that person when you're out on the trail. I wouldn't judge.

This second one, Call Me (On the Phone) by Dante Elephante, is good for near the end of your walk when you're cooling down a bit but still want something with a good walking beat to get you through to the finish line.



I took so long that I had to hurry home at the end- I didn't want to be stuck on the trail in the dark because that's how you get MURDERED and I watch too much Forensic Files (ps- my dream has come true. It's coming back!) so I definitely got the hell outta there. I tried to keep up a brisk pace throughout anyway, to make it more of a workout. I'm in no kinda shape to run (plus, I had a beverage man!), so that was as good as it was gonna get.

Afterward, my fiancé and I got burgers and beer for dinner to celebrate it being Friday so overall, my body still hates me but I'm feeling pretty good about things in general.
So there's that.


[In case you were curious, my post title comes from the song Take a Walk by Passion Pit]

Definitely probably doing this

I've started writing this tons of times and it's getting a little ridiculous. I'm doing the thing I always do with any new endeavor, which is overthink it to the point where I put myself under an immense amount of completely unnecessary pressure, and as anyone who's ever interviewed me for a job knows, I do not operate well under that kind of pressure.

But I'm doing it. Look, words! I'm typing! I'm for sure definitely probably posting this soon!

My main problem, or the reason I get so stressed out about starting things- other than the usual suspects that haunt me at any given time on any given day which are a low-grade depression, not-so-low-grade anxiety, and near crippling indecision- is that I can never do so without building up some grand eventuality for it in my head. Then, I put too much pressure on the start of it, like I have to have it all figured out right out of the gate, like it has to be perfect from day one, and super cool, and everyone is going to read it, and they all have to like it, and omg...

But Jesus Christ Ashley, this is just a fucking blog.

(That's me by the by, I'm Ashley)

So to hell with all that. What it comes down to is this: I'm in a bit of a stuck place in life at the moment and I'm struggling to figure out how to effectively move forward and somehow I came to the conclusion that perhaps a blog would help. Modern times are WILD man, amiright??

One of the main culprits of my stuck feeling I've decided, is my above mentioned low-grade depression. I call it low-grade because I'm still a functioning member of society, it's not crippling me so much that I don't basically take care of myself and all the adult things I need to do on any given day. What it's done is suck out my excitement, and that really makes it difficult to figure out what I want to do with my life moving forward. If nothing excites me, nothing piques my interest, nothing feels worth doing. So, my free time is spent sitting watching Murder, She Wrote. Again.

Yeah. AGAIN.

I used to be defined by my excitement. I was never not making and doing something. You could ask me what project I was working on then and I'd always have something to excitedly tell you about. You could ask me about whatever show I was watching and 15 minutes later you'd be glassy-eyed, trying to take in an abundance of information about Firefly or something. I had interests. I had hobbies that wonderfully consumed me.

Even my (dare I call it) fashion has suffered (or maybe not, depending on who you ask I guess). I thought for a while that me scanning TJ Maxx's clearance racks for oversized gray sweaters all the time was simply a sign that I'd grown up, evolved. No more shirts covered in hot pink cats, I'm an Adult now.
But I recently went through my closet to get rid of some clothes and found I couldn't get rid of the hot pink cat shirt, even though I hadn't worn it in ages. I realized I hadn't stopped liking all those weird things, I had just given up, just surrendered myself to the sea of black leggings and grayness.
That goes for my hobbies too. While I do still work on things from time to time, I've given up for the most part. I'm just doing things out of some strange sense of duty and it's been kind of a drag so I'm more than ready to fix that.

Thus, we come to the point of all this.

I work in the mental health field so I can attest to the fact that "fake it until you make it" is potentially a super effective treatment for what I've got going on* so I thought it'd be worth a try to write a blog to help pump up my excitement for things again. My idea is to post about things that I like or do so not only do I have a record to look back on of all the stuff I've tried and enjoyed (always a good reminder), but I'll continue (hopefully) to keep that excitement going by talking about it.

That was a lot of words just to say I'm writing the same sort of blog as everyone else but I'm doing it because I'm bummed a lot. Sorry.

My hope is that it gets easier and easier and at least some of that all-consuming excitement comes back. The more I talk about things I like, the more I focus on the things I like, the more excited I get about the things I like. Maybe.

I guess we'll see right?

*Sometimes it definitely isn't though, everyone's different. If the weight of your depression or anxiety is too crushing for you to get to that point or to function in a healthy manner, please, for the love of everything, get some help. Therapy, medication, even just finding a friend to talk to to start. It's worth it. YOU are worth it. Life's hard man, ain't no shame in getting the help you need.