It's strange to think that it was that long ago really. It's strange to think that two whole days went by with me barely noticing. Two days since I sat in the nursing home playing music for the woman who used to be my grandmother but was currently a shell of her formerly grand self (Sinatra was the only thing I could think of that might get through the sickness and old age and dementia). Two days since I came to the horrifying conclusion that she had stopped breathing and slipped away in front of me but sat there for another half hour trying to imagine signs of life before I could bring myself to make sure and then go get the nurse.
This is the third grandparent I've lost in my lifetime, and fourth close death, but it's the first time I've been there when it happened. In the past, I've gotten a phone call, usually from my mom, breaking the news. But this time it was me that was making the call to my dad, telling him his mother died. And this time I went to the funeral home to help make arrangements. Its the most "adult" I've ever felt. Being adult is bullshit.
The past two days have been a blur. I feel sad of course, and also... I don't know. Strange. I don't know what it is. And on top of that, I have a wonderful fiancé who is doing his best to cheer me up and move me along which makes me feel simultaneously better and guilty. I've got that post-death feeling of "wait, life goes on after this?"
One thing that helped, one thing that always helps, was reading. After months of plowing through Lord of the Rings (did I even need to link that??), I spent a lot of yesterday sitting on my porch in the bright sunshine finishing the last 200 pages of The Return of the King, the final book in the series.
I don't read a ton of fantasy anymore but as a super shy, self-conscious kid, delving into magical worlds where good triumphs over evil always was instrumental for getting me though so it used to be my go-to (Redwall books anyone...?). When I started reading this months ago (just before the pandemic!), I didn't know how much I would need that again. It doesn't take me that long to read four books normally (series always take me a while for whatever reason), but it just so happens that I got to that grand conclusion now, when I needed an epic happy ending most.
It's extra strange to be going though a personal tragedy when there's a whole global one going on. Protesting, riots, police brutality, a pandemic and I'm preoccupied with the death of my 94 year old grandmother? I have a right to be of course, but it adds to my weird, unidentifiable feelings of strangeness.
But reading this and finishing The Return of the King yesterday, finding out everything was ok in the end despite all the death, sorrow, heartache, hard work, and loss... Despite it being "just a book" you can't help but feel a little more hopeful. You can't help but think to yourself "I can win too."
I'll be alright of course, I am alright, just justifiably sad. I'm ridiculously lucky to have a whole host of super supportive friends and family around to get me through and, of course, a lot more books to read.
Sorry this post was super sad but life is like that somethings, not that I need to tell you that (whoever you are), but to end it on a good note, I'll share one of my grandmother's favorite songs (inexplicably) while toasting with a cocktail she would pressure me into getting on our lunch dates called a Toasted Almond (kinda like a White Russian- see this post- but with amaretto instead of vodka).
Cheers Emma.
Oh, Ashley, I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother's death - that is so sad. Hugs to you, my dear. I have not been there when any of my 4 grandparents died, but I was the first on the scene when my grandfather died, so I saw him lying on the hall carpet, having collapsed during the night. Being in the presence of death is an odd thing that most people do not experience, and even fewer when that moment of death claiming them happens. I am glad you are enjoying one of "her" songs while you process this. Life does go on (and yes, adulting sucks!).
ReplyDeleteLOTR is such a comforting book. I first read it in my 20s, and remember being so angry when I finished ROTK because I thought I still had 100 pages to go...and they were appendices! I always bawl when I finish reading it, and I agree, it's very soothing, and reminds us that we have to go on living.
Take care of yourself, my dear.
I'm sorry I only just now got around to reading LOTR but I suppose it was timely that I didn't. Those appendices tricked me too!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it.